I'm afraid this blog post might not really be more clear than my last one; but since it is impossible to un-ring a bell, I'd prefer not to deal in speculation at this point. We are sort of at two different crossroads right now, each different but related.
First, we were given some extremely difficult news during Noah's hospital stay. It was presented as being very definite and concrete.
Second, we were strongly urged to take a specific course of action as soon as possible. It is a big, big step. Either choice (taking this step or not taking it) is fraught with high risk and difficulty if in fact the difficult news is absolutely correct.
We met with a world-renowned vascular surgeon who ordered more extensive vascular studies for Noah. We are due to meet with him within the next week or so. The studies he ordered will either absolutely confirm the news we got (most likely scenario) or possible offer a glimmer of hope in that regard. He will also either accept or reject Noah as a candidate for the procedure that was so strongly recommended to us. If Noah is actually a candidate, his body will allow for either a somewhat easier version of the procedure (less likely) or a far more difficult version. The more difficult version may be risky enough that the surgeon declines to perform it.
As muddled as all of that sounds, it comes down to one appointment where we will be told whether or not the news we received is as grim as it sounded and whether or not anything can be done about it. We are extremely blessed to have this particular doctor right in Greenville - many people travel very long distances to have their children seen by him (he is in adult practice but also performs this surgery on children). It was amazing to see how his residents had come from all over the place just to be able to work with him.
If the doctor does not accept Noah as a candidate, we will not seek another opinion and we will really have no decision to make. If he is willing to accept Noah, we will need to make a decision very quickly as to whether or not Noah should have this surgery - in fact there had been discussion by some of the doctors about just keeping Noah inpatient through last weekend and into this week just so he could possibly get on the schedule more quickly.
If this doctor confirms the news we got and feels that Noah is a candidate for surgery, we will almost certainly move ahead very quickly. If he feels the news is a bit more hopeful and that Noah is a candidate, the decision will be considerably more difficult. This surgery is in a sense preventative in nature - it must be done at least two months BEFORE Noah actually needs it . . . it is agonizing to consider what could be a very major surgery before it is needed when we have no way to know when he will need it. It is entirely possible that we don't even have two months to spare at this point and it is also possible that Noah could get by without this surgery for many months. There is absolutely no way to know. We will only ever know in hindsight. If we wait too long and Noah reaches the point of absolutely needing the surgery NOW, it will be too late to have it. If we act quickly, we may subject him to surgery that he actually never needed.
This surgery is also exclusive in nature - there are two possible roads to take here and each excludes the other. If we do option A, we'll never be able to go back and do option B. If we do option B, we'll never be able to go back and do option A. There will be no going back.
There is a certain comfort in knowing that this surgeon is extremely selective and will not accept Noah unless he feels that there is a high probability of success. When we met with him last week, he said that he was not at all optimistic that Noah would be a candidate but that he was willing to pursue the testing because of the seriousness of the situation. We honestly don't know whether to pray that he will or will not be willing to do the surgery.
Right now the appointment is a week from Friday. We are going to Greenville tomorrow to see Noah's G.I.. The vascular surgeon's scheduler asked us to call late this afternoon to see if there were any last minute cancellations that would allow us to see him tomorrow. If not, we're to call again first thing in the morning to check again. If not, they will contact us if at any point something opens up before a week from Friday. Jeff and I certainly want to see him tomorrow - the waiting is very difficult - but also acknowledge that the Lord might have reasons for us to see him a different day, so we while are praying for an opening tomorrow, we are also surrendering to accepting what is best.
I'm not sure how to ask you to pray for this. I guess just pray for the absolute right decision by this surgeon and by Jeff and I, and for truly accurate clarity from the tests Noah had done in the hospital. Pray for peace and comfort for Jeff and I and for physical comfort for Noah who is still pretty bruised and sore from his surgery.
Again, I apologize for the somewhat cryptic nature of this post - I really hesitated to say anything at all because I dislike being vague. Jeff and I know it's not uncommon for people to share these blog posts and we simply don't want to share difficult news if there is even a slim chance that these tests will show the news to be better than we thought. I should be able to share a very clear and accurate picture of things once we meet with this surgeon.
I'll close some words of a hymn that has been of immense comfort over the last few days.
Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still my soul, the wind and waves still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
While our hearts are heavy and sad, we do at the same time have absolute confidence in the Lord's leading and faithfulness. It always amazes me just how contradictory our human nature can be - filled with heartbreak and hope all at the same time.
Blessings,
Kate
